how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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