It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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