mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
