if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize