He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
