Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
