She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
