he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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