Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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