DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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