Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
