I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
