Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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