i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
