the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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