My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
