Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
