I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
