my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
