Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
