I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
