who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
