Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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