I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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