Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
