I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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