I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
