ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
