I think I died a long time ago.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
