I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize