if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
