I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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