I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
