she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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