i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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