do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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