How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
