We're facebook friends in real life
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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