How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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