I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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