I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
