How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
ugly people sure do ruin things
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
