A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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