im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
