alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
