I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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