I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize