Please, let me fuck your mom
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
