When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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