he looks like a really good dad on facebook
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
