Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You may now shotgun with the bride
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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