you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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