He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
