On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
