Church boner. Awkwardddd
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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