get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
