I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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