My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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