I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
