After last night, I could never be a politician.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize