My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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