She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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