Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
